Hello friends! This blog is going to be a little different. I told you guys I would take you on my journey and so here we are. As most of you know from my first post I struggle with an eating disorder. This time of the year has been really tough with the loss of my grandpa, being stuck in the house due to Covid and running into some financial issues. My eating disorder brain has been in full force!
When my grandpa passed I vowed to not give into my urge to purge. And for the first month I was successful. I was eating and starting my blog and felt ok. Then I stepped on the dreaded scale. Oh how I hate the scale! Seeing that I have gained weight put my brain into a spiral. I felt disgusting, not worthy and ugly! I know that I gained weight because I wasn’t making myself sick any more but just seeing the number increase put me into depression.
What makes things worse is my grandpa was my eating buddy. He was my taste tester and biggest keto supporter! Without him I am stuck testing all the snacks and recipes. I try to have family members help but they are all so used to sugar and carbs they don’t even want to try anything. So now I have lost the only person who would be honest with me if a recipe was bad he would let me know and if it was good he would help me eat it.
I guess my point here is I miss my grandpa. And I feel like the only way I have control over my life is through my disorder. I know I need to find a new way to feel in control over my life and guys I am trying. The only thing that keeps me away from purging is the thought of my grandpa being disappointed in me. Thanks for reading my rant guys! Thank you for the support!